My heart is jumping for joy right now!!! When it comes to Elijah our Son about how and why he was adopted we are very open to him and have been from a very young age. I have felt that he has been trying to processes a lot this past year. Like being adopted, having brown skin(as he says), being different from most people when he go places, and who his birth mom is and his relationship with her. I am now at a point to where I would like to share some of these experiences with you. Please understand that I know that the way we handle things may not be the way you would in your own home in your own situations and that is fine. I understand we all have to do what we know is right for our own family.
At Christmas time Elijah came to me broken hearted, with tears in his eyes. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he was sad that he didn't get his birth mom a Christmas present. Oh I felt so sad for him. I calming reminded him that we didn't have the money for our family's presents and that some really kind people were anonymously taking care of us. I also told him that we didn't have his bm phone number or address since she had moved, so we wouldn't know where to send a present. This was the first time I had seen him so connected(in a sense to his bm). Just so you are all aware when we adopted Elijah we did so hoping for an open adoption however we quickly realized that his bm had emotionally let go and had no desire for contact or information. After that I took sometime to think about him and what he might be thinking and going through. I was questioning whether or not calling her a birth mom had confused him. I decided to be patient and to just keep listening to what he has to say when adoptions conversations come up.
Last month he thought his bm was on the phone and he wanted to know why I didn't have him talk to her. I knelt down in front of him and asked him what he would have said to her and he said,"that he would have told her that he really misses her."I asked him how he could miss someone he doesn't know? He said,"because she's my mom." At that moment I understood what he had been thinking over the past few months. I felt that he thought he had two moms and I believe he felt guilty for not doing the things he does for me for her. I explained to him that she was a birth mom(that her purpose/calling was to bless him with a body and bring him to earth. I told him a mom's job is to feed him, help him do his chores, take him to the park to play, to love him with hugs and kisses, and to teach him from right and wrong each day. I asked him if his bm did this every day and he said,"NO." I responded quite frankly with,"that's because I am your mom." I than asked him if it confused him when I call her birth mom and he said,"yes" and I asked him what he wanted to call her. He said,"let's call her *********",which is her first name. He said,"since she's not my mom that's what I want to call her." I never wanted to come to this decision on my own I didn't want to take anything away from her or from him. I knew if he was confused he would have to make and except that decision for himself. I couldn't believe the happiness and a sense of relief he had once he came to that conclusion. He went around for the next day making sure everyone knew what he was now going to call her. I really feel that for Elijah he only heard MOM in birth mom because the birth part didn't make sense to him(which we have gone over in great detail) but at his age he took what made sense to him which was mom and he felt so much pressure for not giving to her what what he gives to me daily.
In our home we are very open about how different we all are and we try to embrace our differences. We have explained that this is the way that our loving Heavenly Father made us. Well tonight I decided to sit down and ask Elijah how he feels about being different? I did so because it is so important to me to know how he feels. He first said, "I don't know", than I decided to ask the question differently. I said,"how do you feel when you walk in a room and everyone looks like mommy and daddy?" Elijah stood up taller and in a real loud and happy voice and said, "BEAUTIFUL!" I couldn't have been more happy to get this response. I told him I was so glad that that's how he feels. I said, "yes, you are beautiful", and then he said, "actually mom I am handsome." I reassured him that I love him so much for who he is, for his differences, and I am grateful the Lord blessed me with him as MY SON!!! I also went over with him how I love talk to him and if he has any questions about his adoption, about being different or if ever feels sad, mad, or lonely about anything that he can share that with me. I loved tonight, I loved talking with my baby boy who isn't such a baby. He is so special to me and I am so glad to know that he has confidence in who he is and how and why he is a part of our family. He was also really happy to recite to me his birth/adoption story to me, IT WAS GREAT!!!!
